How am I standing you ask…
When I took some time this past week to reflect on my life, and these past 5 years especially, I am in awe of how I am standing! I can only say I am a walking miracle and I am here because of God’s touch on my life. The real journey began at my first diagnosis of breast cancer. Along with this diagnosis there were two surgeries, chemo, radiation, Herceptin therapy, hair loss, body changes, being thrown into menopause, and it only continued from there. I thought that was the hardest time in my life. However, shortly after my recovery, I encountered a job loss. I once again found myself dusting off my resume to find another job, which was such a hard time at my age. Shortly after I got a new job I found out about my kidney cancer, and then eight months later, bladder cancer. I feel numb by all of it and think how can it be? How can a woman my age get two cancers, both kidney and bladder, which are primarily in old men and women? I will never know those answers.
The moment I start looking at others and see their successful lives, a life full of health, living life to the fullest, planning retirement, travelling, looking at the latest diet plan or fitness routine, I start to feel sorry for myself. But I soon realize not to compare myself to others, as this is my journey. And during the time of self-pity, I think about all my other cancer friends that I have known and friendships I have made. I take comfort in those friendships, as they fully understand what it means to truly enjoy every second of every day. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone. I know that I am not alone as my heavenly father said He would never leave me nor forsake me. None of us know our journey or what’s ahead, but there is so much comfort in knowing we have our Saviour to give us strength and peace in the midst of the “storm”.
These past five years are mostly a blur. Endless appointments, tests, blood work, ct scans, MRI’s , surgeries, chemo, radiation, hair loss, body changes, loss of organs, physical and emotional changes, financial strain from not being able to work, and the time of mourning. This journey has truly affected every area of my life.
Tomorrow I am facing another surgery. I find myself in familiar territory. I don’t know how many days I do have here on this earth, but I hope there are many. People say I am strong... But truth be told, I never have thought of myself as a strong person. My whole life I struggled with insecurities and lacked confidence in many areas. It is only now that I am realizing maybe I am strong having survived so much during my journey. But in all honesty, the strength is not mine. It comes from the Lord. He is my Saviour and He is carrying me every step of the way.
After spending this morning getting tests done and having a pre-admission meeting with the nurse and doctor, I feel overwhelmed with all that is involved in yet another major surgery. They always give you the worst-case scenario and outcome of the surgery and recovery. I left the hospital wondering how I can do this again.
Please pray that the surgery goes well tomorrow and that there is NO cancer!! Pray that I will have peace as I go through this week, as I know what is in store, and I don’t have a lot of energy or strength to face all that goes with my time in the hospital. Pray for complete healing. It is a lot to deal with but there is so much comfort in knowing so many of you that are holding me up in prayer.
I am so thankful and blessed to have so many amazing people in my life
Isaiah 41:10 says: “So, do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I posted a great song back in February that I am playing over and over called: “I am not alone”. It’s such a source of comfort for me as I walk through my journey.